Last week a friend of mine was raped.
This isn’t an outlier. She is not the first person I know who has been raped, nor is she likely to be the last. Rape is a crime born from poor education and fear. As long as we exist in a country with a substandard educational system and a media that peddles fear, we will have rape.
My friend was drunk.
She was responsible and had a friend drive her home. The rapist, who had been drinking with her, called and invited himself over. She acquiesced, but was clear about the fact it was not going to lead to anything – she just wanted to sleep.
My friend has an open home.
She loves to have a safe place for company to come and sleep over. I have slept in her bed, lounged in her guest bed, and curled up on her couch on multiple occasions.
The rapist wanted to sleep in her bed.
She was clear – he was welcome to cuddle, but it wasn’t going to lead to anything. She was drunk and tired.
At this point in the story, some of you might be harboring the negative thought: she let the guy into her bed – what did she expect?
She expected he would behave like a man.
I have been sleeping in beds with men without being raped since we started inviting one lucky guy friend to our slumber parties in high school. It is wonderful. Men radiate body heat. When you sleep with your head on their chest you can let the rhythm of their heart beat lull you to sleep.
Men are safe to sleep with.
Even when a man is so certain that he is going to get laid that the declaration of “my panties are staying on – I invited you over just to cuddle” is a startlingly new experience for him – he still doesn’t rape you.
He takes a moment to process. He may attempt to get you to change your mind by rattling his peacock feathers, but he will still act like a grown man and not rape you.
A person who hears you say that sex is not an option then crawls into your bed and sticks his dick in you after you’ve passed out is not the norm. He is not a man. He is a little boy who is too scared of women to interact with them in a mature manner.
Women can give naked hugs to adult men and not be raped.
Women can be upside down on a pole, buck naked and spread eagle, and still be treated with respect and appreciation for their beauty and strength.
Does the thought of naked women being treated with respect make you feel uncomfortable?
Do you feel defensive or angry?
Why is feminine sexuality threatening?
Why is masculine maturity frightening?
Don’t be afraid.
If you are a man who wants to have sex with beautiful woman, then it is your personal responsibility to become the type of man that beautiful women want to have sex with.
You can’t get there by hating women.
You can’t get there by blaming women for not fucking you.
You can’t get there by being too afraid to face the darkness in your heart then make the changes in your life to condition your body, mind, and spirit. To get laid, you must take a good hard look in the mirror and accept responsibility for what you see.
What stares back at you isn’t society’s fault.
It isn’t your parent’s fault. It isn’t the fault of the children who bullied you nor the predators who preyed upon you.
What you see in the mirror is your own responsibility.
My friend enabled her rapist to rape her.
She let him into her house and into her bed.
She was clear with her intentions, but she made the assumption the person she let into her home was a full grown man, not a rapist.
She was responsible for her own safety.
So when she woke up to find him inside of her she accepted that responsibility. She chased his ass out of her home. Then she called friends who would help her. She went to the police. She pressed charges.
The officer in booking asked her: “Are you sure you weren’t asking for it?”
Going to the police when you have been raped is difficult. If you are shattered by the experience, it is impossible to withstand the disbelief and childishness you encounter at the station.
My friend was not shattered.
She was strong and assertive, and the look she gave that officer caused him to run away and hide. He’ll never say that to a rape victim again. My friend made the way a little easier for other women who take their assault to the law.
This isn’t because officers are malicious.
It is because immature males are frightened of women.
They are scared of rape. They are terrified that they will be falsely accused of rape. It is more comfortable to believe that women would lie about something so horrific, than to believe that other men would attack women.
They choose the easy belief over the painful truth.
They choose the way of fear.
Just like the rapists.
Fear is a tool.
If you don’t understand it and the effect it has on your life, it will end up using you. You will be vulnerable to words laced in fear. You will be susceptible to manipulation and games of control.
Don’t be afraid.
Adults aren’t afraid of one another.